written october 2016 (hurricane Matthew)
i could have stood at the shore line, where ever that happened to be during the storm and wept with the rain. i could have intertwined with the wind and water as if swirling into it, that would have been frightening, yet never the less adventurous. i could have thought about the losses (beloved ones) i have endured and the projections, incivility, idiocy of human beings, and being able to see & understand the world clearly yet not being understood by the world . i could have stood there and recited new words from an unwritten book of Daniel, about how Daniel (many men among the living) betrayed Susanna (women) by not respecting, protecting, and defending women in today’s world. i could have stood there and laughed in the vivaciousness.
instead i let the storm do that. i let the storm wash it all away, while i drank champagne until i was numb. until i was able to plant new flowers to reach the sun. until i was able to seek out the stars at night from my very own viewing place. until i was able to truly understand impermanence and aloneness.
there after the storm i let myself be in a painting, i accepted the fact that i have always lived in my own little world inside the big world, and my childness still much alive in all of the adultness that surrounds me, my purity mistaken as something wrong by many. i surrendered to a voice singing songs that felt like a soundtrack to my old life not yet reborn. i let my blurry eyes and champagn heart feel safe inside the opera.
then silence surrounded me as if waking from a dream. the blurriness still there as if i were inside a Monet painting.
how do i live my life now? i can barely converse with people of this era anymore. i am not seen from a third eye view, much less understood at all. i choose this new frequency though, its like disappearing in the mist, only to be found by those who live this frequency. it’s new to me. it’s blissful.
i feel like carrying around my tibetan book of wisdom all of the time now. i ask myself if i should dedicate my life to aloneness and nature. i tell myself that that shall be my path, as i may not interact with many kindred spirits, may not love a future soulmate, or bare a child from a union of such.
i feel i have lived a life that may not be understood by others, and i will continue to live in the world, in which i feel i do not belong.
shall i plant a secret garden like no one’s ever seen before?
shall i learn to play the violin in a way like Lucia Micarelli?
shall i paint madness and bliss?
shall i write poetry until my hands are too old?
shall i turn my back on the world and all of it’s corruption and speak only in creativity?
shall i devote my life to performing arts and artists alike?
shall i turn my back on god and only breathe heart of goddess?
………..this is what a spiritual re- birth feels like. ~!~